The curve is being rounded to 10 by Grace. How this is possible is beyond me. I feel more and more conscious of her childhood, impending adolescence, and all the things I want her to know, as if I could somehow put morals and principles into her, similar to pressing a coin into soft clay. I am aware that I cannot; the most I can do is to continue speaking, writing, and practicing them.
Ten things I’d like my 10-year-old daughter to be aware of
1. It is not your job to keep the people you love happy.
Not your friends, not your brother, not your father, not me. It’s not, I assure you. You just cannot, and that is the harsh reality.
2. Your physical fearlessness is a strength.
Please keep moving around the world with your body: run, leap, climb, throw. I enjoy seeing you sprint across the soccer field, swing arrogantly across a set of monkey bars, or scale a tree’s tall limbs. Physical activities and challenges promote both health and a sense of accomplishment.
3. You should never be afraid to share your passions.
You may occasionally feel ashamed of your continued interest in doll play, for instance, and fear that your friends will make fun of you. A good friend is not someone who makes fun of you for what you enjoy doing. Though difficult to comprehend, this is crucial.
4. It is okay to disagree with me, and others.
I want to hear your opinion because you are old enough to have one. And your loved ones also do. Naturally, avoid starting conflicts just for the purpose of it, but if you truly believe I’m mistaken, please let me know. You’ve heard me acknowledge your accuracy and apologize for my actions or viewpoints when I recognize they were mistaken. Your viewpoint is both legitimate and useful. Don’t be afraid to express it.
5. You are so very beautiful.
The infant you once were and the young lady you are currently becoming can both be seen on your face. Your father’s coloring, your father’s cleft chin, and my eyes all come together to make you who you are—just you. I can see the clouds of the beauty myth that pervades society hovering over your own increasing self-consciousness. I implore you not to lose sight of your own attractiveness, which is largely a result of the fact that your spirit is so well developed.
6. Reading is essential.
You already know that it is the main source of enjoyment in my free time. The fact that you appear to share it makes me feel tremendously proud and happy. That sensation of identifying with characters, of drifting into another world, of finding yourself completely lost there? They remain forever. Welcome.
7. You are not me.
We have a lot in common, yet you are wholly, totally, utterly your own person. I can assure you that even when I forget it, I am aware of it. I am aware that one of the primary duties of your youth, which I can see glinting over the horizon, is to grow apart from me. That area, that separation, that crucial cleaving—I fear it like ice in my stomach—but I want you to know that I am aware of how important it is. Grace, I’ll be here regardless of what happens. The crimson thread binding us together will sag. I’m positive of it. And after the change is complete, there will be a brand-new, even closer connection. That is something that I am also aware of.
8. It is almost never about you.
What I mean is that, nearly always, when someone behaves in a hurtful or insecure way toward you, it is not because of them; it is because of something that is going on inside of them. I really battle with this one, and despite my best efforts, I have never once advised you to “get over it” or stop being so sensitive when you are upset. Although your intellect may tell you differently, trust me when I say that I am aware of how feelings may break your heart. But perhaps, just perhaps, it will be helpful to keep in mind that, even if they accidentally cross paths with you, most people are battling their own demons.
9. There is no single person who can be your everything.
Give this authority to no one individual at a time, please. I believe you are seeking fulfillment because of a deep loneliness that you may have acquired from me. It’s normal to have what Woolf described as a “emptiness about the center of existence.” Nobody will be up to the task of trying to fill that aching with other people (or anything else, like food, drink, or numbing practices of a trillion types you don’t even know of yet). You’ll experience disappointment, and even worse, loneliness will linger no matter what. I’m learning to embrace it and acknowledge it as a fundamental aspect of who I am. I want to support you in doing the same.
10. I am trying my best.
I am aware that I am not the mother you need or deserve. I get frustrated, I make mistakes, and I become loud. I apologize. More than anybody else in the world, I adore you and your brother, and I always wish I could do more for you. I’m quick to inform you that I don’t always approve of your actions. But I still adore you every single day with every fiber of my existence. Whatever the case,