Destructive words are far more powerful than sticks and stones. These strong forces can cripple, ruin, and crush just as easily as they can uplift, encourage, and nurture. Due to this, parents today more than ever must exercise caution when speaking.
Words have the power to cause harm. In fact, the harm they do is frequently harder to fix than any physical injuries. Children are considerably more sensitive to the effects of harsh words than adults are. Based on the words a parent uses, they might quickly adopt false concepts and beliefs. Once this happens, it can be very challenging to change the incorrect concepts once they have taken shape.
Prevention is the key to avoiding verbally harming a youngster. Parents may wish to take a proactive approach by being familiar with the typical offenders when it comes to harsh language. Read on for a list of 25 words and phrases that will harm a child forever.
1. You Ought To Feel Shame About Yourself.
When a parent uses the time-honored reprimand, “You should be ashamed of yourself,” they are trying to make their child feel guilty for their actions. Most likely in the hope that they will alter it. Therefore, a parent not only declares that their child is a shame, but they also do so in a sneaky, passive-aggressive manner.
Shame is a tremendously potent emotion, but when a parent uses it to correct or modify a child’s conduct, it frequently backfires. This repeated remark may eventually cause a child to think they aren’t good enough and can’t do anything correctly in their minds. As a result, kids could decide to give up entirely on trying to win over their parents.
The majority of child specialists concur that advising a child to feel ashamed of themselves is not a helpful suggestion. It offers little to assist children in learning acceptable and courteous behavior because, at best, they are entirely oblivious to its significance. In the worst case scenario, it leaves emotional scars.
2. You Can’t Ask That, You’re Too Young
The more openly society discusses subjects like sex, death, religion, and war, the more probable it is that youngsters will hear something they don’t understand and ask their parents to explain it to them. Keep in mind that this is a good thing! Definitely encouraged, and hopefully continuing in the future, is an open dialogue.
A youngster deserves an answer if they are able to ask one, regardless of how difficult it may be. Naturally, a parent can adjust their response based on the child’s age and emotional development to make sure they will understand the solution. Really, a simple inquiry simply needs a simple response. Multiple interactions over time may be necessary for more complex responses.
Parents may respond with “You’re too young” or “Why do you want to know” if a subject is posed at an inappropriate time or takes them off guard. However, it would be preferable to recommend that you talk to them later on when it’s more convenient. Additionally, it will offer parents more time to think through their response rather than rushing to provide it.
3. You’re Quite Dramatic
Even if you are confident that your child’s conduct is excessive, calling them “dramatic” when they are really trying to express themselves might have detrimental long-term effects.
Children turn to their parents to learn how to control their emotions. Therefore, if parents instill in them the notion that their feelings are stupid, the children will grow up to be people who share this viewpoint.
4. You Did Ok, But You Could Have Done Better
First off, it’s best to avoid compliments that end in “but” because they lose their intended meaning. Children might be inspired to do well all the time by celebrating minor triumphs. Using the word “but” will give them the impression that they haven’t really done enough to earn your pride, which will undoubtedly cause more harm than good.
Instead, attempt to say: “I’m pleased with you because you did well. You’ll surely keep improving, in my opinion!”
5. You’re Exactly Like Your Dad/Mom
The offense is compounded when a parent harbors unfavorable feelings and thoughts towards their partner toward their shared child. It devalues both the child and the partner, bringing both down a notch.
Any negative comparison will certainly hurt if the youngster is already aware of the level of disrespect and hostility between the parents. The remark “You’re just like your mother/father,” especially if said in anger, will indicate to a child that the parent is unhappy with the relationship even if they are ignorant of any conflict.
A parent unintentionally alienates their partner and child when they use this term. Therefore, not only does it turn into a situation of one against two, but the parent is also essentially telling their child that they remind them of someone they don’t like. The youngster is consequently placed in a very delicate situation between their parents. Additionally, they could feel crippled by guilt whenever the parent to whom they were compared was later disparaged.
6. You’re Gonna Get Fat / You’re So Fat
A massive no-no, please. It instills in kids a hyper-awareness of their bodies and causes them to investigate what their friends are eating. Making this impression at such a young age is harmful because body image is such a delicate and personal subject.
Even while it might be beneficial for an overweight child to lose weight, calling them “fat” can just hurt their feelings, undermine their self-esteem, or add to their stress.
An unfavorable body image and disordered eating can result from fat shaming. Additionally, it won’t provide your youngster with any motivation or advice on how to lose weight.
Focusing less on physical appearance and more on the advantages of losing weight will provide greater outcomes when it comes to getting youngsters to a healthier weight. In other words, make healthy food and exercise look enjoyable! Make it less about appearances.
7. Let Me Finish It
If a parent says these things to their child, they might as well be saying, “You can’t do anything correctly,” or worse, “I’m better than you.” No matter how hurried, a frustrated parent should take precautions to hold their tongue and avoid using this awful phrase.
A parent may do wonders for their child’s self-esteem by giving them a little additional time to exercise their independence (and to feel proud of themselves afterward). All of that is instantly taken away from them by the phrase “Just let me do it.”
By saving them time and frustration, a parent may think they are helping their child, but in reality, the child may come to view this so-called help negatively. Since Mom and Dad can do things more effectively and quickly, it can undermine their confidence and cause them to give up before they even begin.
A delicate balancing act of direction, support, silence, and presence is needed to gently push a kid into independence. Even if a young person fails, it won’t be in vain. And occasionally they will succeed, which is always worth being a few minutes late for.
8. You Are Selfish
Even though all children occasionally act selfishly, saying them they are by nature selfish can traumatize them for the rest of their lives.
Parents must be clear that their disappointment is with the child’s actions, not with who they are as people. Clarifying terminology of this kind is crucial.
9. Stop Acting Like A Baby / It’s Not That Big A Deal
When a child is distressed, one of the worst things you might say to them is this. It invalidates their emotions and discourages them from being honest with you. Children should feel free to express their emotions, and telling them “it’s not that big of an issue” will make them second-guess their own actions.
Try this alternative: “Tell me how and why you feel this way.” By saying this, you can better understand your kid and reassure them that you’re available if they need to chat.
10. You’ve Disappointed Me
Disappointment is a really valid emotion, yet just the word itself can be so traumatic. Because they are repeatedly told this throughout their lives, many people actually believe this to be true as they grow up.
Try expressing your displeasure with your conduct by saying: “In the future, kindly refrain from doing […].”
11. Please Don’t Bother Me, Leave Me Alone
Being a parent is hard job. And occasionally having some child-free time to relax and spend as one pleases can work wonders for a parent’s ability to refuel and get back to it. However, if a parent consistently ignores their children’s cries for help by saying, “Leave me alone,” or “I’m busy,” eventually children will internalize the message and give up.
Then, parents will receive everything they asked for, and their kids will soon start to believe that they are always unavailable. Children may be less likely to turn to their parents for assistance in the future, which could establish a harmful pattern.
Kids need to realize that their parents need alone time, but it’s also crucial that they believe their parents are approachable. Consider giving children a heads-up if a crucial deadline is approaching by saying something like, “Mommy has to work for the next hour. We’ll play a game together after I’m done.” But keep your expectations in check; a child’s ability to amuse itself will last less time the younger they are.
12. You Had Better Do As I Say… Or Else!
If not, what? For good reason, that is the normal, flippant reaction you can anticipate from a child.
This surely sounds more menacing than anything else. To discipline children with fear is unhealthy and frequently ineffective. Simply stating your request’s justification will encourage compliance.
Try substituting, “Please do because,” instead. Knowing the purpose of the request is important. So spend the extra time to explain to your youngster why they should do things. If they comprehend, they are much more likely to obey.
13. You Live Beneath My Roof, Thus You Must Abide By My Rules
One more thing that plenty of parents enjoy saying. Very close to “you’re just living in my house; this is my home,” Both of these phrases make your youngster feel out of place in their own homes and almost like a burden.
Try saying, “You know the home rules”, instead. “Please follow them.”
14. That’s Not How You Feel
It’s crucial that you don’t try to minimize your child’s sentiments, even if you think something they say, like “I hate you,” isn’t entirely accurate.
One of the worst things parents can tell their children is, “You don’t feel that way.” Even if they disagree with them or wish they weren’t feeling that way, parents should respect their children’s feelings.
15. Why Don’t You Try Acting More Like…
It is nearly impossible for parents to avoid comparing their own children to other people’s children and their abilities. These observations also play a crucial role in assisting parents in determining where their own children are in terms of meeting expectations and milestones. It’s advisable to keep any of these insights to yourself if your kids could hear you talking about them.
The majority of the time, when a parent does say something like, “Look how Jimmy uses the potty,” or “See how Jenny zips up her own coat,” they’re aiming to highlight a good effect that will eventually trickle down to their child. However, generally speaking, making comparisons to promote particular behaviors tends to backfire.
These comparisons may lead to a youngster misinterpretating their parents’ wishes for different offspring. Additionally, this pressure can be confusing and end up harming a child’s self-esteem if they are simply not ready to use the restroom or operate a zipper. It is preferable to concentrate on what children can do rather than their difficulties.
16. I Was Raised In That Way
Even if our upbringing teaches us a lot about parenting, it’s exceedingly narrow-minded to deny a child’s request or criticize their behavior on the grounds that “that’s how I was raised.” Instead of immediately shutting them down with that line, explain to your child why you feel the way you do. It can be an example, but it shouldn’t be the focus of your argument.
17. I’d Rather You Hadn’t Been Born
No matter how angry you are with your child, it is never appropriate to express your regret that they were even born. Simply leave the situation until you have calmed down enough to respond in a less cruel way when you’re angry enough to say anything this harsh.
“You were a mistake.”
Even if your children weren’t planned, informing them that might leave them with mental scars that last a lifetime. Additionally, saying “we love you anyway” is ineffective. People desire to be loved unconditionally and without conditions.
18. You Must Calm Down!
This one typically occurs during a fit of rage, and it is about as beneficial as pouring gasoline on a fire. Your youngster wouldn’t be having a tantrum if they could learn to control their emotions.
It’s too late for that at this time. By telling them to “cool down,” you will just be invalidating their very real feelings.
You are usually the one who needs to maintain your composure. When the storm has passed, be patient before talking through the feelings that caused the outburst in the first place.
19. Stop Weeping Right Away!
One more thing you should never say to your youngster is this. Consider this. Would you say this to a buddy who had just experienced a job loss or a breakup? Most likely not. So why would you tell your child that while they are going through a difficult time?
Ever had someone tell you to stop crying? Did it ever succeed?
Strong emotions are felt by children just as much as by adults, if not more. They must understand that it’s acceptable to occasionally feel terrified, sad, furious, or overwhelmed. Their release mechanism for frustration is crying. If your child holds their emotions in now, they can struggle later in life to communicate and understand their feelings.
It shouldn’t be bad to cry.
20. What Did You Do To Yourself?
Even if you don’t like your child’s new hairstyle or nose ring, by opening a conversation with an accusatory statement like this, you immediately stifle dialogue.
Your child will experience frequent judgment and a sense of inadequacy. Children could think that if they can’t please their parents, they can’t please anyone else either.
21. Why Do You Never Do Anything Right?
This statement is more of an accusation than an inquiry, despite the fact that it may sound like a query. It is unlikely to receive a favorable response. When they can’t persuade their adolescent children to do anything, parents who say this to young children are surprisingly astonished.
22. What’s Wrong With You?
When you’re feeling frustrated, it can be tempting to say things like these, but make no mistake: telling your kids they’re flawed will never be helpful.
When we react out of frustration, it encourages our kids to wonder whether there really is something wrong with them, and they want to avoid you responding in this way in the future.
23. I Don’t Believe You
It would be advisable to begin from a place of acceptance and belief when your children want to tell you something if you want them to feel comfortable opening up to you.
When you say anything like this, you sow disbelief by presuming your child is lying, and this can seriously harm your connection. Children will quickly learn to conceal their behavior from you since they no longer feel comfortable being open with you. Asking your youngster to explain what happened in more detail can assist to create a fruitful conversation.
24. I’ll Never Be Able To Forgive You
Even the finest of us have experienced it; we react swiftly when a youngster does something outrageous. A toddler could suffer serious harm from hearing something like this said. The youngster now believes that whatever was done against them will always be remembered.
The parent should state: “What you did was terrible, but we will find a way to put this behind us and move forward.” It’s simple to say something rash in the heat of the moment. Before you talk, take a moment to take a big breath and let yourself cool off.
25. As I Have Said!
Although it’s perhaps the most overused parenting adage out there, you should steer clear of it. Although that’s a strong term, your children lose all control when you use it. Even though you might not always have time to do so, you should make an effort to explain your decisions to your children so they understand why you are asking them to do (or not do) something.
Instead, try saying something like, “I know you really want to visit Tommy this afternoon, but I need your help to wash the laundry. Why don’t we meet with him tomorrow? It teaches your children that their feelings are important and that you value their opinions.
Always pause before you talk to a youngster, regardless of what you want to say. Recognize that children are inherently curious and engaged, and that your best strategy is to talk to them openly about any issues or queries they might have.