TYPES OF FAKE APOLOGIES NARCISSISTS OFTEN USE
Some people, often narcissists and gaslighters, simply apologize in order to get access to your forgiveness for their own gain. To give you the impression that they are really remorseful for their crimes, they would go above and above. They would be confusing your thoughts while placing the responsibility on you, causing you to easily become forgiving.
1. Apology in the form of a present
You name it: flowers, candies, pricey apparel, a vacation to Milan. Everything they do is to soothe your heart and trick you into forgetting the harm they’ve caused. It’s possible that they are surreptitiously gaslighting you or love-bombing you as they show you their affection and attention.
2. Defensive apology
I’m sorry for what I did, but if you hadn’t put pressure on me in that way, I wouldn’t have done it.
A defensive apology typically sounds like that. Additionally, there is a lot of passing the buck. It always begins with “I’m sorry,” to give the speaker of those words the appearance of sincerity. The conversation then develops into a lengthy discourse about how your behaviors caused them to treat you badly.
Doesn’t this make no sense at all? However, narcissists have ways of deceiving others around them and convincing them to believe everything they say. As a result, after hearing what they have to say, you would believe that you, not they, were at fault.
3. Apology as a dramatic scene
The drama casts a shadow on narcissists and gaslighters. The first thing they do when they feel trapped and have no other ideas about how to get out of a situation is create a full-blown theatrical spectacle. They begin to sob, flinging themselves at your feet while lamenting their misery and brokenness. And all of this is done only to increase your compassion and empathy.
By doing this, they manipulate your emotions so that you feel sorry for them rather than furious or annoyed. Usually, the result is the same: you quickly pardon them because you don’t want them to truly feel the way they claim to. Regardless of whether they truly apologize.
4. Blame-shifting
Similar to the defensive apologies, the person in this instance is only blaming you for the harm they caused. You might believe it’s easy to tell when someone is blaming you in most cases, but narcissists really manipulate your emotions in exactly that way.
When they are assured that you absolutely believe them and wouldn’t doubt their honesty, they employ this strategy. They start to build a pattern once they are certain that shifting the blame would change your perspective and soften your heart. And every time they act disrespectfully or rudely, they got away with it, giving the impression that you were the one forcing them to do it.
HOW TO MAKE YOUR APOLOGY REAL
We don’t just make up excuses because we always believe we are right. We also use them because no one has ever forced us to practice genuine apology or served as a role model for it. Therefore, even when we are aware of our mistakes, we occasionally struggle to express ourselves.
The following six steps can help you sound and seem more “real”:
- “I’m sorry that I _,” say you. Then you start discussing something that unquestionably happened and for which you are accountable.
- Describe the justifications you used to justify your inappropriate actions at the time. Typically, we stop here in an effort to defend ourselves.
- Describe why you now believe your former reasoning was flawed. You do this to let them know that you have changed your mind and realize your mistake.
- Bookend the apology with another statement that, “I’m sorry that I hurt you.”
- Ask, “Will you forgive me?”
- Be quiet and wait to see what they say.
This is a risky situation in and of itself since the other person may decide to purposefully withhold their forgiveness. If they’re being sincere, their refusal to forgive you might be just as damaging as their fabrication of an apology. However, the forgiveness cycle is completed if you sincerely apologize and they sincerely accept it. And that’s the only way a relationship has to endure our actions.
