Comedy has a way of helping us understand that we’re all going through the same things in this crazy world, whether it’s a word play, an amusing comment about ordinary occurrences, or old witty sayings. You’ll be exclaiming, “So true!” after reading these clever and humorous quotations about relationships, work, friends, and family because, well, they are. Others will make you recall amusing, meme-worthy TV and film scenes.
Take a much-needed break from your day to read these clever and humorous quotations that we found in stand-up comedy, novels, plays, interviews with celebrities on Twitter, movies, and TV series. They’re sure to make you smile. You’ll enjoy reading through our collection of quotations, and they’ll make your conversations funnier.
Funny and Witty Quotes About Life
You might want to loosen up for a moment because life is full of unexpected turns. Check out this collection of humorous life quotes.
“Fools learn from experience. Wise men learn from the experience of others.” – Otto von Bismarck
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
– Mitch Hedberg
“Playing it safe is the riskiest choice we can ever make.” – Sarah Ban Breathnach
“It is surprising what a man can do when he has to, and how little most men will do when they don’t have to.” – Walter Linn
“A person is wise if he listens to millions of advice and doesn’t implement any of it.” – Michael Bassey Johnson
“A skunk is a better company than a person who prides himself on being ‘frank’.” – Robert Heinlein
“After you’ve done a thing the same way for two years, look it over carefully. After five years, look at it with suspicion. And after ten years, throw it away and start all over.” – Alfred Edward Perlman
“Life moves very fast. It rushes from Heaven to Hell in a matter of seconds.” – Paulo Coelho
Life is a pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.” – William Goldman
“I’ll go anywhere as long as it’s forward.” – David Livingstone
“Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forwards.” – Soren Kierkegaard
“A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” – Oscar Wilde
“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” – Confucius
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” – Cathy Guisewite
“Faced with the choice between changing one’s mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.” – John Kenneth Galbraith
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.” – Doris M. Smith
Funny and Witty Quotes About Traveling
Las Vegas is sort of how God would do it if he had money.” – Steve Wynn
“Two great talkers will not travel far together.” – Spanish Proverb
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” – Steven Wright
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.” – Steve Martin
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.” – Unknown
“I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage.” – Bob Hope
“You want to know what it’s like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don’t stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over.” –Lewis Black
“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” – Mark Twain
“Airline travel is hours of boredom interrupted by moments of stark terror.” – Al Bolick
“The man who goes alone can start today, but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.” – Henry David Thoreau
“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” – Andre Guide
“On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.” – Lewis Grizzard
“Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this the hard way.” – Dave Barry
“You and I come by road or rail, but economists travel on infrastructure.” – Margaret Thatcher
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist.” – Russell Baker
“Travel becomes a strategy for accumulating photographs.” – Susan Sontag
Don’t these funny quotes remind you of your own travel? Traveling is surely fun when there’s an added humor to it. So, the next time you go on a trip, remember these witty quotes to brighten up your mood.
Funny and Witty Quotes about Honesty
Sincerity is pretty important, right? Check out this collection of clever proverbs and sayings that convey the value of sincerity and offer some sage advise on the subject while maintaining a lighthearted and enjoyable tone.
“Honesty is a good thing, but it is not profitable to its possessor unless it is kept under control.” – Don Marquis
“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” – George Carlin
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.” – Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear
“An honest man is always a child.” – Socrates
“There should be an honest attempt at the reconciliation of differences before resorting to combat.” –Jimmy Carter’s
“Dishonesty is the second-best policy.” – George Carlin
“A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.” – H. L. Mencken
“The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims that he plays the game merely for exercise.” – Tommy Bolt
“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” – Richard Jeni
“I was really too honest a man to be a politician and live.” – Socrates
“Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.” – Mark Twain
Funny and Witty Quotes About Actions
Getting ready to launch a call to action? This collection of amusing quotations will drive you to take action tomorrow.
“Action will destroy your procrastination.” – Og Mandino
“All progress has resulted from people who took unpopular positions.” – Adlai E. Stevenson
“An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.” – Criss Jami
“Never confuse motion with action.” – Benjamin Franklin
“Without a plan of action to put how a dream is envisioned to play out is like pouring out of the picture of water on the ground and expecting it to stay in on the surface of the ground.” – Catherine Pulsifer
“Do not be like the cat who wanted a fish but was afraid to get his paws wet.” – William Shakespeare
A bit of humor is indeed a good way of getting the motivation to act. If you aren’t motivated yet, maybe you need more funny and witty quotes! Read on because we have a lot more to give you.
Funny and Witty Quotes about Work
Looking for amusing quotations about work? We’ve got you! After a long and exhausting day at work, here is a selection of quotations to help you unwind and take a break.
“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” – Confucius
“By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” – Robert Frost
Bob: “Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.”
Peter: “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.”
—Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space
“Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task.” – William James
“There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done.” – Peter Drucker
“Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.” – Leslie Nielsen
“Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.” – Adam Gropman
“No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.” – Groucho Marx
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“My son is now an “entrepreneur.” That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” – Jerome K. Jerome
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” – Oscar Wilde
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend than be one.” – Clarence Darrow
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb
“Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.” – George Burns
“The first thing a new employee should do on the job is to learn to recognize his boss’ voice on the phone.” – Martin Buxbaum
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week.” – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” – William C. Feather
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden.” – Orson Scott Card
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” – Claude McDonald
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock.” – Henny YoIf
“A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y plays. Z is keeping your mouth shut.” – Albert Einstein
Funny and Witty Quotes About Art
If you adore art, you will undoubtedly appreciate a lot of clever quotations about it. Read on to discover the quotations and sayings that will inspire the creative inside of you.
“An amateur is an artist who supports himself with outside jobs which enable him to paint. A professional is someone whose wife works to enable him to paint.” – Ben Shahn
“Bad artists copy. Good artists steal.” – Pablo Picasso
“Art is either revolution or plagiarism.” – Paul Gauguin
“Every time I paint a portrait, I lose a friend.” – John Singer Sargent
“He had the great traditional stimulant to the industry of an artist – laziness, and debt.” – John Mortimer
“A painting is worth a thousand confused art-gallery visitors.” – Ljupka Cvetanova
“In a good portrait, the eyes follow you around the room.” – Peter Cook
“The more you look at modern art exhibits, the more everything begins to look like an exhibit, including the attendant’s chair and the fire extinguisher.” – Brian Sewell
“Van Gogh would have sold more than one painting if he’d put tigers in them.” – Tom Hobbes
“Rembrandt painted 700 pictures. Of these 3,000 are in existence.” – Wilhelm Bode
“Art is the only serious thing in the world. And the artist is the only person who is never serious.” – Oscar Wilde
Is the inner artist in you satisfied with these funny quotes? You’ll have more, so just keep reading.
Funny and Witty Quotes About Knowledge, Ideas, Innovation, Change
Sometimes the gravity of the issues surrounding information, ideas, innovation, and change is too much to bear, therefore you might want to inject some comedy into them. If so, you’ll find this collection of humorous quotations to be a great read!
“There is nothing wrong with change… if it is in the right direction.” – Winston Churchill
If you’re in a bad situation, don’t worry it’ll change. If you’re in a good situation, don’t worry it’ll change.” – John A. Simone, Sr.
“People can cry much easier than they can change.” – James Baldwin
“Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why the earth is ruled by men and not by animals.” – Amit Kalantri
“If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.” – Woody Allen
“We all have times when we think more effectively, and times when we should not be thinking at all.” – Daniel Cohen
“Change is inevitable—except a vending machine.” – Robert C Gallagher
“Knowledge is proud she knows so much; wisdom is humble that she knows no more.” – William Cowper
“Maturity involves turning an insult into feedback.” – Aniekee Tochukwu Ezekiel
“Our ability to adapt is amazing. Our ability to change isn’t quite as spectacular.” – Lisa Lutz
“The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” – Wayne Dyer
“The man who does not read books has no advantage over the man that cannot read them.” – Mark Twain
“It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” – Charles Darwin
“Changing is what people do when they have no options left.” – Holly Black
“To improve is to change. To be perfect is to change often.” – Winston Churchill
“I not only use all the brains I have but all that I can borrow.” – Woodrow Wilson
“Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration.” – Thomas Alva Edison
Funny and Witty Quotes About Marriage
Do you have a spouse? Are you thinking of getting married soon? You’ll get a funny glimpse of married life through these quotes!
Although marriage is undoubtedly a serious subject, it doesn’t hurt to have a good chuckle and use a little comedy about it. Unless, of course, you decide not to get married after reading them!
“Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.” – Pete (Paul Rudd), Knocked Up
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
“Courtship is to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.” – William Congreve
“You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.” – Hussein Nishah
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” – Phyllis Diller
“A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” – Erma Bombeck
“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.” – Jackie Mason
“What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.” – Cindy Garner
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met.” – Rodney D
“Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” – George Burn
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henry Youngman
“An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie
“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” – Chris Rock
Funny and Witty Quotes About Love and Friendship
This collection of amusing and witty quotations about love and friendship will help you start a conversation, whether you’re appreciative of a special friend, are in love, or just want to impress your friends or significant other.
“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” – Albert Einstein
“Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.” – Thomas Dewar
“The only way to have a friend is to be one.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?” – Lily Tomlin
“I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.” – Elizabeth Evans
“Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” –George Burns
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when he’d rather be anywhere else.” – Len Wein
“Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore.” – Bree Luckey
“It takes a long time to grow an old friend.” – John Leonard
“A true friend overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!” – Doug Larson
“Friends are like melons; shall I tell you why? To find a good one, you must one hundred try.” – Claude Mermet
Funny and Witty Quotes About Food
love to eat? Then these amusing food quotations are ideal for you!
“What do you mean, he don’t eat no meat? That’s okay, that’s okay. I make lamb.” – Aunt Voula (Andrea Martin), My Big Fat Greek Wedding
“Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can’t believe I paid ninety-six dollars and I’m still hungry.” – Mike Kalin
“My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.” – Orson Welles
“At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.” – George Carlin
Coach: “How’s a beer sound, Norm?”
Norm: “I don’t know, I usually finish before they get a word in.” – Coach (Nicholas Colasanto) and Norm (George Wendt), Cheers
“An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.” – Will Rogers
“Snack time heals all wounds.” – Bridger Winegar
“Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.” – Frank Semyon (Vince Vaughn), True Detective
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” – Oscar Wilde
“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” – Calvin Trillin
“Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?” – Shelley Darlingson (Anna Faris), The House Bunny
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry
“We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.” – Alfred E. Newman
“Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands – and then eat just one of the pieces.” – Judith Viorst
“When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, ‘Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.” – Yogi Berra
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Watermelon – it’s good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face.” – Enrico Caruso
“Food is an important part of a balanced diet.” – Fran Lebowitz
“Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup.” – Henry James
“Anything is good if it’s made of chocolate.” – Jo Brand
“Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments.” – Bethenny Frankel
“Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken.” – Jonathan Swift
“Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.” – Doug Larson
Some quotes are so relatable and funny, right? I just hope this didn’t make you hungry.
Just Hilarious Quotes Ever
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” – Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
“I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends
“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” – George Carlin
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” – Sir Norman Wisdom
“Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?” – Neil DeGrasse Tyson
“I never forget a face – but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx
“To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!” – Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis), A Fish Called Wanda
“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” – Ellen DeGeneres
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” – Tina Fey, Bossypants
“There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.” – Anonymous
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams
“I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.” – Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), Finding Dory
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.” – Bob Hope
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.” – Anonymous
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” – Noel Coward
Funny and Witty Quotes About Smile
Recently feeling down? You could find some inspiration to grin in these clever sayings and phrases.
“Smile…it makes people wonder what you’re up to.” – Jill Shalvis
“A smile is the happiness you’ll find right under your nose.” – Tom Wilson
“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. Phyllis Diller
“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. W. C. Fields
“Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. Mark Twain
“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. Robert Bloch
“Smile. Have you ever noticed how easily puppies make human friends? Yet all they do is wag their tails and fall over. Walter Inglis Anderson
“Before you put on a frown, make absolutely sure there are no smiles available. James M. Beggs
“A laugh is a smile that bursts. – Mary H. Waldrip
Other Funny and Witty Quotes and Sayings
There are many more humorous stuff. Here are some additional amusing sayings and phrases that you shouldn’t skip.
“A witty saying proves nothing.” – Voltaire
“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
– Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls
“Every habit makes our hand wittier, and outwit more handy.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
“A word of kindness is seldom spoken in vain, while witty sayings are as easily lost as the pearls slipping from a broken string.” – George Dennison Prentice
“The liar’s punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else.” – George Bernard Shaw
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.” – Anonymous
“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” – Mark Twain
“Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you – but I’m not going to.” – Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day
“If you want to make enemies, try to change something.” – Woodrow Wilson
“Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.” – Benjamin Disraeli