It may feel like you’ve covered every topic in a short period of time with your companion. You’ve shared your dreams, your memories, and a few brief comments on what you want to eat for supper. The stillness is deafening and you feel as like you truly have nothing original, noteworthy, or meaningful left to say. What will you do next then?
There is no need to panic, even if this might be a pivotal moment in a long-term relationship since the more you stress over what to say, the harder it will be. Stop attempting to talk about ‘new’ topics, advises clinical psychologist Dr. Josh Klapow to Bustle. The burden of attempting to come up with something fresh might quickly dominate the conversation. Allow conversation to flow organically, talk about the weather, or just relax and take in each other’s presence.
Additionally, discussing the same subject more than once is acceptable. You may definitely bring up prior issues if you’ve been dating for a long, according to Klapow. The subjects may not change, but your viewpoints, your comprehension of them, and your perceptions of them both as a pair and as individuals may.
In a long-term relationship, there will always be ups and downs, including periods of boredom, according to Klapow. However, this is seldom an indication of a more serious issue. Nevertheless, there are ways to fix it. Here are a few methods to start a discussion with your spouse if you want to talk about exciting topics, even if you feel like you’ve covered everything.
Get Into A Healthy Debate
Try starting a constructive argument if you feel like your talks have come to a screeching end. Find a challenging quotation and debate your various readings, advises author and speaker Dr. Marlene Caroselli to Bustle. Alternately, pose a humorous question, such as “do you believe in aliens?,” and have a discussion.
If both of you concur, great. But if you don’t, the situation will swiftly devolve into a mental conflict. Who knows, though? Even so, you could discover something novel about one another.
Ask About Their Day
You can have a talk like this every day. Consider discussing your highs and lows after some time apart if you haven’t previously done so. How did work go? What succeeded? What failed?
This straightforward conversation, according to Christie Tcharkhoutian, LMFT, a certified marital and family therapist, can strengthen your bond, keep you on the same page, and ultimately help you with life’s ups and downs as a pair.
Make Plans For The Future
When did you two last check in with regard to your future? If it has been a while, discuss your goals for the foreseeable future, including vacation plans, professional aspirations, and other activities.
Dreaming and being thrilled are enjoyable, according to Tcharkhoutian. It can also assist in removing you from your daily routine and rut while ensuring that you are jointly pursuing these goals.
Talk About The Past
On the other hand, there is a wealth of interesting stories to be found in the past. As a result, even though you’ve probably covered the fundamentals, attempt to go deeper by disclosing childhood secrets or reciting old family tales.
Anjani Amladi, MD, a board-certified adult psychiatrist, says: “You may find things you never knew before, like their favorite game to play, favorite destination to visit, and even convert it into a surprise vacation or fun date night.”
Play The Question Game
Have you ever engaged in a game of questions? It’s easy since all that’s required is for each person to ask another inquiry. Dan Munro, a relationship and confidence coach, tells Bustle that there are a few twists.
To draw the genuine truths out of someone, he advises, “you must first ask deep and dark inquiries.” “Second, be as truthful as you can in your response. It is similar to truth or dare, but without the dare element.”
Of course, if that’s what you like to do, it’s OK to refuse and keep secrets to yourself. Nobody ever said that just because you’re in a relationship, you have to be completely transparent. But if you can trust each other enough to share a few secrets, this game will help you grow closer to one another.
Tell Each Other Exactly How You Feel
Munro believes it’s frequently a sign you’re holding your cards too close to your chest and not allowing each other in if you can’t get rid of the persistent sense that you’ve “run out of things to say.” So, go on and start living.
Ask your spouse how they are feeling right now. What aspects of your relationship would they wish to improve? What irritates them? Your relationship will feel better the more open and honest you are.
Share Random Thoughts
In a similar spirit, think about expressing “strange” ideas and feelings, even if they don’t seem like they should be discussed. The “noise within your skull,” as Munro puts it, may be extremely entertaining. You can never run out of things to say since it’s constantly changing.
Naturally, this does not include speaking carelessly or conversing only for the sake of conversing. Instead, you should use your inner dialogue—your daydreams, ideas, worries, etc.—as a source of inspiration. Bring everything out front and watch where the conversation goes.
Talk About Physical Intimacy
To make sure you two are content and on the same page, you should talk about this subject frequently. But it’s also entertaining to talk about your fantasies, particularly if you’ve never done so.
How is your love life, then? Are you both happy? Want to give something new a shot? These kinds of inquiries might start a positive conversation that you’ve probably never had before, even if it may seem odd at first.
Ask Them What They’d Change
What would your partner alter about their past if they could? If they could go back in time, what would they change?
According to Kimberly Hershenson, LCSW, a certified therapist in New York City, “these inquiries enable you know more about your spouse, what they may regret, what motivates them, and what brings them happiness,” she tells Bustle.
In addition, it will guide your future decision-making as a pair. Knowing what your spouse regrets can help you two work as a team to prevent a repetition of the past.
Talk About Regrets
Similar to this, talking about regrets might reveal more about each other’s histories. According to Jonathan Bennett, a relationship and dating specialist from Double Trust Dating, “This is a ‘serious’ question not appropriate for light-hearted situations.” However, a person’s biggest regret might tell us a lot about them.
Share your worst errors and lost chances with each other when the time is appropriate, as it may lead to some very emotional conversations. It “can be a terrific way to be vulnerable with one other,” as Bennett puts it.
Chat About A New Hobby
When you stick to the same routine every day, life might get tedious. Therefore, make it a point to stir things up. According to relationship guru Stef Safran, “find a new interest to enjoy together.” “Something you can do together, like cooking or working out.”
Alternately, go it alone for the evening. Part ways and spend some time alone, visiting friends, or engaging in a solitary activity. Both of you will have a lot to talk about when you get together again.
Learn More About What Influences Them
Inquire about your partner’s role models or other influential individuals or things, such as their family, favorite novels, political figures, etc. According to Bennett, “this inquiry may teach you a lot more about your spouse and the individuals who molded their lives.” “You could get a deeper appreciation for your partner’s morals and decisions.”
Ask About Their Ideal Career
It is simple to become mired in a line of work out of need rather than passion. So, inquire as to what your spouse would do if money were no object.
According to Bennett, “most individuals hardly ever pursue their desired employment.” “Your companion may be a professional musician, athlete, dancer, or have another desired job that you were unaware of.” You’ll see each other more clearly after learning more about one another.
Then, if it’s feasible, think of methods to help one another move toward a more desirable career. Going back to school or changing careers can be just what you need to feel motivated again if one of you feels trapped in life or in your relationship.
Make Each Other Laugh
Making each other laugh is a further strategy for escaping a conversational rut, suggests therapist and life coach Risa Williams, LMFT, to Bustle. It’s simple to just go through the motions without looking for hilarious moments when you’ve given in to boredom or are in a stodgy rut. But they are constantly present.
Make it a point to add humor to your day by cracking jokes, joking about with one another, and offering astute remarks. Bring back something you did frequently when you first started dating, most likely!
Admit To Embarrassing Moments
Adding to the amusement of one another? Whether they occurred five minutes ago or five years ago, Leina Rodriguez, LMFT, a certified marital and family therapist, advises being honest about your humiliating situations to Bustle.
After a slip-up, Rodriguez advises that couples should poke fun at each other in a light-hearted way because it “may also help you discover how your spouse overcomes [their errors], or if they have a hard time letting go.”
Choose A Conversation Starter
When in doubt, a certified clinical social professional named Sarit Fassazadeh, LCSW, advises Bustle to resort to the internet for some couple-friendly questions as a means to come up with new conversation starters.
The New York Times’ 36 questions that lead to love is a good place to start. She suggests that you “maybe select a question or two a day and really investigate them together.”
As a method to check in and reconnect, you may also make it a weekly habit to respond as you eat supper. Fassazadeh asserts that there is always more to discover about a person. Finding the correct questions to ask is all that’s required.
Play A Thought-Provoking Game
Nothing like a boisterous game of Trivial Pursuit, or any other game that stimulates your brain, so dust it off and start playing. According to Ashley L. Annestedt, LCSW, a certified clinical social worker, “These sorts of strange and unusual inquiries may inspire new and engaging discourse while also helping you move out of a monotonous pattern.” Who doesn’t like game night, after all?
Talk About Books & Movies
How frequently do you watch a show together, switch the TV off, then part ways? According to Alysha Perlman, LCSW, a certified clinical social worker, if you responded “always,” you’re missing out on a fantastic chance to discuss what you just witnessed.
It may be a terrific opportunity to connect and discuss topics other than the daily grind, she adds, to read a book or see a movie together, followed by thoughtful discussions about your feelings on it.
Get Real About Money
You probably haven’t talked about finances in a while, if at all, because couples tend to avoid the subject. So if you’re stuck for topics to discuss, this may be the answer.
According to Andrea Woroch, a financial and budgeting expert, “the thing about money is that it’s the sort of talk you can keep having and it never becomes boring, especially as you start achieving new milestones in your life.” “Topics can range from talking about ways to lower monthly expenditures, to haggling for a raise at work, to shopping around for the lowest price on a new piece of furniture,” says the website.
To check in and see how you both feel about items you divide or share as a partnership, like a joint savings account or bills, she advises scheduling monthly “budgeting dates.”
Learn To Be OK With Silence
Having said that, if you (or your partner) don’t want to chat all the time, don’t feel obligated to. Relationship therapist and author Stacey Greene tells Bustle that “often we feel we must fill all of our space with interesting dialogue.” Sincerely, there are times when it feels wonderful to do nothing but stare, gaze, smile, snuggle, hold hands, etc. Go with the flow if that’s what’s occurring.
In your relationship, there will be quiet times as well as times when you have stimulating conversations and in-depth debates. You’ll probably never run out of things to say if you strike a balance between the three and don’t try to force it.