Advising someone to “forgive and forget” might have negative effects.
When someone confides in you, it’s common to feel uncertain about what to say or how to respond. You might utilize platitudes if they talk to you about the abuse they’ve experienced and the suffering they’ve encountered.
You can say something to the effect of “Forgive and forget” in an effort to cheer them up. Despite your best intentions, you can be be making matters worse.
6 Reasons Why You Should Not Say “Forgive and Forget”
1. It disproves the abuse.
Only when the thing you are supposed to forgive and forget is meaningless does the concept of “forgiving and forgetting” work.
You might advise your friend to forgive if they are harboring a grudge towards someone who perpetrated a harmless joke on them and they seem to be steadfast in doing so.
However, you cannot just instruct someone to forget years of physical, emotional, and psychological abuse. Saying that the victim should just move on invalidates the severity of their suffering because abuse can lead to anxiety, sadness, addiction, suicidal thoughts, etc.
2. It is difficult to forget.
Why would you encourage a victim to forget something that you know you cannot consciously forget? The human brain only distorts a small portion of our painful events over time. You cannot expect anybody to gain from counsel which is impossible to follow.
3. It appears as though you don’t care.
Victims hear their loved ones say, “Enough already, just let it go,” when they should be saying, “Forgive and forget.”
They believe that you don’t want to hear more from them and that you want them to act as if nothing had happened, in other words. This will eventually cause them to withdraw because they feel burdened and misunderstood.
4. They feel helpless as a result.
Years may pass before someone is able to comprehend the trauma they have experienced. They are only now starting to experience the rage and grief that they should have felt long ago after being able to comprehend what has transpired.
Someone is only now starting to recover if they have recently ceased blaming themselves for the wrongs that others have done to them.
To tell them to forgive would be to rob them of their sense of reality. Additionally, it prevents them from fully recovering.
5. It is harsh.
It is not helpful to advise a victim that their only option is to “forgive and forget.” They are being told that if they don’t follow your instructions, they are unkind, obstinate, or frigid.
As a result, you are criticizing their recovery process rather than offering them support and healing.
6. It is an order.
The last thing the victim wants to hear after experiencing a protracted period of abuse, criticism, and orders is another order.
They will keep their distance from you in order to preserve their wellness if you do not treat them with kindness, compassion, and understanding.
Simply lend a sympathetic ear to someone who is in need if you really want to help them. Be patient, pay attention to what they say, and then inquire about how you might assist.
Most of the time, what they really need is someone to listen to them and be kind. They have no expectations of you and don’t even need your advice. They only require your presence and kindness.