It’s likely that if you’re reading this, you have experienced loneliness. That implies you are aware that even when you are surrounded by friends and family, loneliness can sometimes feel as though it will never stop.
The brunch you’re attending should be excellent in theory—nice people, delicious food, and entertaining discussion. However, you still feel emotionally separated from everyone else by a thousand miles.
The challenging aspect of sentiments is that they vary from person to person. For instance, some people are content with having few acquaintances or relishing their alone time. Other others could feel intense loneliness and isolation as a result of those identical events.
Understanding why you feel lonely even when you’re not by yourself might make you feel more connected to those around you as well as to yourself.
How Normal is it to Feel Lonely?
According to studies, one in five young people say they feel lonely “most of the time” or “always.”
Anyone can experience loneliness at any time. Even when you don’t feel lonely for a clear cause, it’s possible that other conditions like depression or anxiety are contributing factors.
However, it is true that many people experience loneliness during significant life events. Perhaps you’re relocating. Or your parents are getting separated. You can be transitioning from elementary to high school. Perhaps you just feel that you have outgrown your pals or that they are beginning to engage in activities that don’t truly interest you.
You may feel alone and lost as a result of all of these things, and you may struggle to establish relationships with those close to you.
Therefore, just because you’re feeling lonely doesn’t indicate that you are unique or “strange”; in reality, it only shows that you share more things in common than you think with others around you.
Reasons You Might Feel Lonely Even Though You’re Not Alone
America is now experiencing a loneliness pandemic. Even though New York City is one of the nation’s busiest and most crowded cities, it appears that this plague is almost widespread there.
Even while it may seem unusual to be lonely when surrounded by 8 million people, it happens much too frequently.
So what is happening?
How is it possible to feel lonely when surrounded by friends and family? And how can someone who only has a small number of intimate ties be content and joyful yet seeming lonely to others?
The ability to connect deeply emotionally with others in a personal and exposed manner essentially determines the answer.
What then may make it impossible for someone to achieve that?
1. History of Trauma
An individual is affected by childhood trauma throughout their most delicate periods of development and growth. Such encounters alter a person’s impression of relationships, the reliability of others, their feeling of self and value, and the risk/reward balance of being vulnerable to another in addition to their sense of safety.
And it gets even harder to believe that people are safe or even worth getting close to when a person is repeatedly traumatized and/or hurt.
To struggle with loneliness in the present, one does not necessarily need to have gone through overt tragedy in their lives.
2. Poor Parental Attachment
More than anything, the relationships we have with our caretakers teach us how to connect with and develop partnerships with others. The ability to form emotional bonds with others is frequently hampered throughout life when there is a break in the parental tie.
You most certainly anticipate this from others if you have ever been ignored, invalidated, or that your needs won’t be addressed (and treat others similarly). Even worse, if you were dependent on your parents for existence but were afraid of them or perceived them as threatening in any way, you can develop a strong dislike of other people or even find yourself in abusive relationships on multiple occasions.
There is often a persistent sense that something is missing when the maternal tie led to an uneasy attachment of some form. Because no one can ever satisfy those demands once you’re an adult, you can spend your entire life attempting to satisfy the wants that weren’t addressed when you were a youngster.
Sadly, you could even start to think that you don’t deserve love or even understand how to be close to another person, which would reinforce a pattern of ongoing loneliness and isolation.
3. You’re an Introvert
Undoubtedly, living alone may give introverts a poor name. In actuality, socializing may be taxing for many introverts, especially in large groups or situations where there is a lot of networking.
Surface-level catching up may be enjoyable, but it won’t always help you feel more connected to others around you.
To avoid draining your emotional batteries, make sure you recharge your social meter when necessary. For example, choose to remain home when you’re feeling bad.
4. Fears of Intimacy/Vulnerability
When someone experiences bullying or is in a relationship that breaks their heart, a message that it’s dangerous to be who you are begins to take shape. Being vulnerable, loving, or open are not acceptable. To guard against any potential future occurrences of agony, an armor begins to take shape. And as a result, a chasm forms between you and other people.
It seems logical to protect oneself from suffering. But what guards against grief also blocks the passage of love. No selective armor exists.
More gaps, more separations, and more loneliness
5. Trapped in a False Narrative
An individual’s narrative about themselves can become warped and hurtful as a result of past trauma, pain, and rejection; this narrative then impacts all future experiences. Additionally, because of the high levels of conformity and docility demanded by society, most people learn early on that some aspects of themselves are inappropriate, embarrassing, or just plain “bad.”
Additionally, if you feel inadequate, you will subconsciously assume that neither you nor your friends are either. With others, whatever judgment you have of yourself is multiplied ten times.
Due to this, it is extremely difficult to relate to, be open with, or develop an emotional connection with people. No matter how many people are in your life, as long as you think that you or they are somehow worthless, you will always feel alone.
6. Quality above Quantity
Even if you have a million friends in theory, if you don’t put any effort into them, you’ll probably still feel lonely.
When quality is the priority, we have the chance to create connections that are trustworthy and long-lasting. You need to be able to be your most authentic self in a relationship if you want to fully connect with that person.
Naturally, you won’t be able to be your authentic self around a dozen people the same way you can around your two or three closest friends, so try concentrating on that group to keep those relationships intact.
It goes without saying that building connections is a two-way street: being close to someone does not entail pouring all of your worries on them; rather, it indicates that you are forging a connection and a tie that is mutually beneficial.
Your closest pals can only provide support; they cannot fix your difficulties. Additionally, it is your responsibility to assist them as necessary.
7. Perfectionism, Selfies, and the Lost Phenomenon of Community
Technology and social media are frequently cited as key contributors to the present loneliness pandemic. Research on this, however, is conflicting.
On the one hand, it is true that individuals are increasingly engrossed in video games, smartphones, rose-tinted photos, and taking the ideal selfie. Technology also makes it possible to communicate with loved ones and friends in various ways, which might help people feel less alone. The problem?
Technology appears to be somewhat beneficial for older folks. However, young individuals (18 to 22) do better when they avoid using their phones and laptops.
Less empathy has been shown, and self-love, care, betterment, and assistance have replaced it.
— less adventurous, less receptive to imagination, less tolerant of uncertainty, more regulated and structured, more standardized, and less compassionate.
Play and community are viewed as nearly frivolous. From a very young age, isolation becomes the norm.
8. Networking First
Given that many relationships are based on what someone can do for you rather than how much you just really like being around and feel connected to someone, this tendency may be especially true for New Yorkers.
Our society prioritizes possessions and “achievement” over interpersonal connections. Therefore, relationships are treated like commodities that may be purchased much like a new automobile or the newest technology.
People are too frequently treated like objects.
The prospect of emotional intimacy is dim in light of this. As a result, one never feels satisfied and always wants more.
9. Too Many Experts
There is an expert for practically everything today, which makes for an intriguing period.
We are instructed on how to breathe, how to defecate, how to make love, how to bathe, and what our bodies should do and look like. We are no longer even aware of our own connection to ourselves because we have deviated so far from our own instincts and capacity to pay attention to our bodies and brains.
People therefore have a tendency to doubt everything. Questions start to surface regarding who you spend time with as soon as something goes wrong or if someone else alerts you to something being incorrect.
The views of others become fact. There’s no reason to stay with someone who might not suit your image, other people’s expectations, what society thinks is “correct,” etc. if it’s a love connection because the next one is always only a swipe away.
In order to connect emotionally, one must be aware of their own feelings. Additionally, you must be able to trust your feelings without interference from others. Nobody else else you is an expert on you.
10. You Have Your Guard Up
Ever had the impression that others hardly know you? It’s conceivable that those close to you lack emotional openness or aren’t seeking new friendships or committed partnerships.
It’s also conceivable that you’re keeping your guard up and not making it evident that you’re looking to form new relationships or connections.
One of the most crucial elements of a strong and long-lasting relationship is being sincere. When you are on guard, it may be difficult to be real and it can also be difficult to listen to what others may share with you.
Although it might be intimidating, you have to start somewhere if you want to develop a relationship with someone.
11. Too Much Time on Social Media
The need to check your phone continuously typically indicates that you want to check out of the current moment and into something else, regardless of the narrative you’re attempting to post on Instagram.
In truth, unless we’re actually, you know, there with them, we have no idea how our peers’ lives are like when they’re not in front of a computer screen. According to some research, loneliness increases a person’s propensity to spend more time on social media, feeding the loop.
Social media can further exacerbate the feeling that we’re alone among a large group of people by giving us the impression that we’re with many more people than we actually are. This is because we’re not benefiting from face-to-face interactions or actively participating in their lives (even if that group is only virtual and perceived).
What can You do about Your Loneliness?
If there were a single effective method to combat loneliness, everyone would be doing it.
However, this does not imply that loneliness cannot be overcome and that you will always experience it. In order to help you start feeling more at peace with the people in your life, here are a few short dot points:
- Tell those you can trust how you feel.
- Consider your passions and surround yourself with those who share them (check out your school or local community centre to see if there are any groups you might like).
- Try getting a pet or pet sitting.
- Improve how you utilize social media.
- Accept any social invites that may be sent to you.
- Practice validating your feelings of loneliness by saying things like, “It’s alright I feel this way,” or “Everyone feels this way sometimes.” You may also practice talking to yourself as a friend by saying things like, “I’m here for you, this will pass.”
Final Words
Your perception of loneliness may be influenced by your background or society, but it does not imply it is destined to be that way. People are malleable.
You may learn to gradually lower your defenses, trust people, accept the aspects of yourself that you’ve come to despise, appreciate others and yourself regardless of what others may think, dare to be “weak,” and pay attention to your body and instincts.
As a species, we are sociable. All of us have the innate potential to connect, even if it may manifest itself in very different ways for each person.
Go now.
Shut off the computer, talk to a buddy on the phone, smile and wink at someone, and tell someone you love them. It’s still possible.