Here are 12 hilarious horoscopes to help you laugh, feel hopeful, and connect with everyone you know who is born under a particular sign of the zodiac. After all, laughter is the best medicine!
ARIES
Aries people have bushy eyebrows and haughty faces. They should not be so arrogant considering how frequently they bump their heads. “Hard Headed Woman,” by Cat Stevens, was probably an Aries.
Aries don’t often contradict themselves verbally. They frequently make poor decisions and don’t talk about them. If you don’t want your kidneys yanked out via your sinuses, never bring this up to an Aries.
Because Pisceans provide Aries people a sense of stability, Aries people adore Pisceans. They like making fun of the silly moon people who are still sucking their thumbs at age 35. Guns are used by Aries to illustrate philosophical ideas.
You will maintain this point of view till the day you die, whether you reside in a mansion or a cardboard tepee. In at least two previous incarnations, the majority of Aries were concrete parking bumpers. Aries is not a birth sign. They emerge from their mothers’ wombs with joy. You could even need rollerblades for this.
The Aries makes decisions in life like a little child. Aries get married a lot for laughs but never get divorced. Numerous freak accidents involving their wives end in fatalities or severely disabling injuries. God, being perfect, is presumably an Aries. As a result, Satan would be an Aquarius.
Aries people are always in leadership roles. If one is given the task of cleaning bathrooms, he will organize a one-man union. He will then go to picket in the parking lot. You all believe that you are Lech Walesa.
When an Aries appears, people flee. They are aware that the Aries will set them on fire if they don’t. Because Scorpios pride themselves on being even more egocentric, Aries detest listening to their conversations. You are the greatest jerks in the zodiac, much to the chagrin of the Scorpios. Everyone else’s asses are covered with your rams’ horns.
TAURUS
You are the embodiment of dark feeling. You may shoot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps “just ’cause” one minute and be down the next.
Because of how earthy you are, you might not take as many showers as the average person. Or it can just be a way for you to sigh and roll about with your nose in some clover.
Taureans dislike advertisements and argue with waiters, yet they enjoy watching joyful movies where everyone is cheerful and having a good time. They like analyzing their pals but have little actual life experience. Taureans murmur when explaining abstract ideas.
The Taurus is an odd bird because he or she harbors resentments over events that never truly occurred. This might be due to inferiority complexes brought on by Aries taking the top spot in the zodiac sign. The Taurean self-image is one of constantly being second best. They are unquestionably the greatest at making you feel inferior, though. Taureans all aspire to be God. God is an Aries, which is unfortunate.
Because you always respond to questions with more questions, you are often difficult to understand. You won’t emerge from the bed either. Most Taureans like a good fight. If nothing is wrong, that is a problem in and of itself. Some people enjoy bar fights in particular. If they are unable to engage in a real bar fight, they will invent intriguing tales about them to tell their friends just before having them undergo psychoanalysis. Taureans wouldn’t know what to do if Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus weren’t around.
You sense that your life is going nowhere. I think you’re right. Taureans are in plenty in Milwaukee. Taureans are forceful and impatient. They are moving really quickly to get to the destination they want to go, which is nowhere. They act out scenarios of how things would be if they were God and create miniature dioramas of their houses complete with little effigies of the individuals they know.
GEMINI
Because everyone likes a psychotic, everyone loves a Gemini. Although you prefer to think of yourself as a hybrid of Michelangelo and Socrates, the truth is that you are more like Prince and Bea Arthur.
You are one of Cedar Point’s most well-liked rides because you are forward-thinking and gregarious. By the time you are done reading this line, though, you will be able to and probably will negate all of this. Geminis drive amusing vehicles. They frequently crash them into trees or structures. Geminis are overbearing and aggressive. At weddings, they engage in altercations with young children and moon people. They like using Libras as human targets.
A Gemini who is bisexual is a walking double date. The remainder have both sexes. Geminis damage their own residences. They express philosophical ideas using absurd analogies. Rarely do Geminis participate in the Olympics. When they do, it’s often air hockey or pool. The game Frogger also appears.
Geminis are always taking medicine of some kind. It’s not always legal to use this drug. Latin for “I’m alright, I’m okay” is Gemini. Geminis need to be heard, therefore they talk quite loudly. It’s unfortunate since they almost never stop talking to themselves. In fact, kids frequently engage in lively debates in the bathtub with themselves.
As a result of their tendency to be abidextrous, Geminis can commonly pick both sides of their noses simultaneously. Essentially, the Gemini is just an anxious Aquarius.
CANCER
You’re interested in knowing what’s happening in everyone’s life across the cosmos. However, you frequently are unaware of what is happening in your own life. Hopefully, your buddies will let you know.
Cancerians only dress when they must, and their sense of style is best characterized as “erratic.” You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac to iron your clothing by sleeping with them wedged between the mattress and box spring (with the exception of Pisces, who does not iron). A single pair of underpants can be worn for over a month.
You may spend months indoors since your home is like your own personal Biodome. You require little social connection, despite your drive to save everyone. Frequently, SWAT forces arrive under the impression that there is a hostage scenario. A Cancer is like a walking Ladies’ Home Journal, always ready with shortcake recipes and advice on how to approach your adolescent.
They were all born with an outstanding knack for cross-stitching, whether they knew it or not. They would breastfeed the entire planet if they could, so much for buying the world a Coke. This quality does not depend on gender. Because you need to take a fifteen minute break after each breath, you will never be a successful athlete. Since you want to manage your career from the comfort of your own bed, Aries, you don’t mind. Your consistent consumption of Ho-Hos and beer helps you keep your dubious health. Additionally, you consume a lot of Pepto-Bismol to confuse your many ulcers.
People frequently step on you. Actually, constantly, not infrequently. You’re probably right if you think someone is taking advantage of you. The most amusing aspect of this is that you enjoy it. You try to act like a doormat. For the purpose of describing philosophic ideas, Cancerians create their own terminology. That George W. Bush is a Cancer is therefore not surprising.
The impact of Cancerians on their friends is negligible, despite the fact that they frequently arrive with homemade soup to ease any little or huge catastrophe. However, they control people because they are always aware of what others are thinking. They are never invited to gatherings because of this. Claiming to be “tactful,” cancerians. Actually, the term for this is “shiftless.” It is customary for Cancerians to drive their inebriated, drooling buddies home. Typically, these companions are Pisceans.
LEO
You’ll use every strategy at your disposal to attract attention. It’s not impossible for someone to commit suicide. You frequently kiss mirrors. Both Barney the Dinosaur and Genghis Khan are Leos. Though less so now that Lucy was a Leo, people still adore her.
Leos will break up conversations to chat, and if someone tries to leave before the Leo is completed speaking, the Leo will physically block the person’s path. On their birthdays, Leos all desire parades. Leos never get married because nobody is suitable for them. If they do get married, they imprison their husbands beneath the sink in the bathroom.
They always need physical contact but are unable to obtain it since people perceive them as annoying punks. This explains why Leos make up a large portion of those detained for necrophilia. A Leo conveys philosophical ideas by using himself as an example of the Overman.
Even though they are not gay, some Leos choose to pose as such because they believe it adds to their shock factor. Actually, it only implies that neither sexe will be interested in hooking up with them. In reality, the Leo views anything else than a romantic evening alone as a step down.
Leos yell at doors to open them. When they enter a room, they anticipate their Clappers to cheer. It’s thought that lions and leos look similar. This indicates that they are boisterous, have sticky noses and cleft upper lips, and s**t under trees as they go. They watch “Entertainment Tonight” while munching on monkeys.
The humility terrifies Leos. Because of this, Buddha was an Aries, Jesus was a Capricorn, and so on. However, the title of “radical cult leader” is not impossible. Leos enjoy picking battles with Aries. Whether or not they are in front of other people, they will still trample and bloody each other. In fact, Leos typically favor it.
These altercations frequently occur at Taco Bell, sporting events, bars, and other public places. Ingenious Capricorns will sell tickets, so be that way. Leo will take care of hanging the posters in advance, so don’t worry about that. Rock star posters are commonly hung on the walls of Aquarians. On their walls, Scorpios display posters of well-known catastrophes. On their walls, Capricorns display posters of famous mathematicians. Unicorn posters are hung on the walls of Pisceans. Leos have self-portrait posters on their walls.
VIRGO
You make life miserable. You control your breathing and organize your closet by color. No Virgo has ever belched in recorded history. Virgos use a toothbrush twice a day to thoroughly clean every inch of anything they own. Your spot is on the floor, cleaning it with a magnifying lens while looking for microorganisms.
Have you been diagnosed with OCD? a lovely synonym for the term “Virgo.” Virgos explain philosophical ideas using detailed charts and hints. You engage in several drive-by shootings. When questioned by the police, you respond that “the bastard had a filthy automobile” was the reason. Because they are Virgos as well, the cops will often let you go.
A Virgo is simple to frighten out. Inform them that there is something stuck in their teeth. Then see them scrape furiously at the imagined object. For jerks like us, Virgos are a ton of fun. A Virgo’s idea of hell is spending all of eternity in an elevator with a nude Aquarius. This is so that Aquarians may carry beer to hell, which they then leave all over the place. However, Virgos must give God their brooms and squeegees.
When they learn that there is anything hiding beneath the refrigerator, Virgos similarly struggle to cope. However, it’s typically simply a downcast Taurus. The sad Taurus may be enticed out from beneath the refrigerator with a banana wine cooler, according to Virgos who have read enough Hints from Heloise.
Virgos don’t have a strict black-and-white perspective on the universe. They see it in both clean and unclean tones. The smell of cat fur makes Virgos gag. Because they will do your laundry for you, Virgos are cool. They’ll divide everything into fourteen loads of three items each, color- and fabric-separated. After that, they’ll load them into the washer in alphabetical order by manufacturer’s name.
Virgos frequently catch themselves opening and closing the refrigerator door in an effort to deceive the light within. Don’t put cheese in a Virgo’s refrigerator where it doesn’t belong. He or she will kick you in the ass like Jack Torrance. You’ll receive a cuticle pusher stab. In the early part of “The Shining,” Jack Torrence was most likely a Virgo. He then went completely Leo.
LIBRA
You are so sophisticated and lovely that family members get nauseous because of you. If so, you are also horribly bipolar and incapable of coming to a choice for yourself. Typically, you would turn to TV Guide or your therapist.
Stylish and adaptable people tend to be Libras. They are amusing because they will quickly adopt something they previously detested if it becomes popular. These individuals are not wholly blind to velvet. Many ethnic foods from countries that they don’t comprehend are consumed by Libras. They were the only innovators of the cappuccino movement. If you ask them why, they will make an obscure point about unity.
You worry about what other people might think all the time. Maybe people might like you more if you truly paid attention. Libras utilize passages from plays by David Mamet to explain abstract ideas. Then they get cute tiny pocket cards with those ideas inscribed on them made.
The J. Crew catalog eliminates the Libran’s interest in the news. They don’t consume fast food, and they have no idea where to throw their waste. Their pricey shoes are tied by other parties. There have only ever been two Libras discovered at charity shops. Their lamé turtlenecks were matched by the hue of their bell-bottoms.
Libras are constantly at the forefront of ideas that the rest of us consider to be total pompous nonsense. They have sizable CD collections that they have never even opened. Libras support fashion-related charity. A lot of Libras work in Hollywood.
You are to blame for the resurgence of parachute trousers and butterfly hairpins. Those large jam shorts are the next item on the list. Most likely, you never got rid of your last pair. Keep your Winger t-shirt handy as well. A Libra may be made as inebriated as possible and yet be able to describe the distinction between a café au lait and a café latté. This is strange because the rest of us are aware that there is absolutely no difference.
SCORPIO
You got into computers early so you could get away with using made-up, nonsense lingo. Scorpios make up the majority of both chat board hopefuls and hackers who believe they will find fame there.
Because you prefer to take your coffee with a spoon straight from the bag, you humiliate Libras. There’s a chance that you’ve ever snorted Chock Full o’ Nuts. And you’re quite serious about your paranoid beatnik outlook on life.
Many Scorpios have successfully figured out how to smoke in the shower. Your biggest pet peeve is that you’ve never been kidnapped by aliens or been the victim of a government plot. The majority of those fabricated virus alerts and money-offerings from Bill Gates are your attempts to create controversy. Bill Gates is a Scorpio, which is ironic. There should be no question because he lives in a completely automated barracks.
Your grand scheme to rule the globe with you at the lead will never succeed. You find it difficult to believe that Star Trek is a work of fiction and that you are not a Borg commander. Scorpios explain intellectual ideas using profanity. Halloween occurs right in the midst of the Scorpio range, which is not surprising. The one time of year when making up hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and Dr. Who impersonations won’t land you in jail.
Because it provides them yet another chance to smoke, Scorpios have intense sex desires. Scorpios have a lot of advise to provide on topics that don’t relevant to them. Asking a relevant question to someone will reveal if they are a Scorpio or not. The reply will be “I’m sorry, what?” when there has been quiet for five minutes. Scorpios frequently have hair, which they believe makes them more virile. In particular, this applies to Scorpio women. Scorpios commit lottery fraud. They can hack anything that is automated.
SAGITTARIUS
Adventurers by nature, Sagittarius. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and attempting to navigate the dark hallways of the bathroom at odd hours of the night. They would rather suffer a disabling injury than choose the simple route.
Sagittarians like entertaining their loved ones, close friends, and complete strangers. This frequently involves transvestism. Almost of Sagittarians were conceived as the opposite gender. Sagittarians lack social graces and are obnoxious. They want to hurt others.
Typical nicknames for Sagittarians are Thunderpooper and Vomitus Maximus. Small children and animals adore Sagittarians. It’s sad since adults often despise them. But Sagittarians make great vagrants and circus freaks.
Sagittarians explain philosophical ideas through interpretative dance. The Sagittarian is known for wearing offensive buttons and bumper stickers. They toss food at posh restaurants and interrogate people throughout religious services. Never invite a Sagittarius to meet your parents at your house. Your mother will be bound, and your father will be pantless.
Among notable Sagittarians is the Geo Metro. Thanksgiving is the occasion when the sun is in Sagittarius. This is very suitable given that everyone eats till they are sick and pass out and that New York, the most Sagittarian city in the world, is filled with cross-dressers and enormous inflatable creatures.
A typically Sagittarian picture is of the Shriners driving about in their small miniature automobiles. Even more so if a tremendously busted woman is also crammed into the car. There is never a greater Madonna than a Sagittarius. Both men and women can pull off sequins and safety helmets. The Sagittarius can never be considered unhip.
CAPRICORN
Capricorns are dependable, diligent, and incredibly boring. They never stop moving as they make their way to their next grandiose illusion. They frequently have strong arithmetic skills, which helps to explain why they may be such a hassle. René Descartes must have been a Capricorn since he was a brilliant mathematician but a terrible philosopher. Stephen Hawking is all of the aforementioned plus a pretentious S.O.B. to boot, making him even more of a Capricorn. Even in great health, you cannot overcome being a Capricorn, despite the fact that he has conquered many hurdles, etc.
Because most politicians are Capricorns, our nation is always in debt. Politicians naturally require a lot of protection around them at all times. Capricorns resemble an odd hybrid of a Virgo and a Leo. They believe that this endows them with both charm and reason. In actuality, it just means they have to keep their egos in the back yard and are fussy and tight-fisted. Only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive a nuclear war. Simply said, the rest of us don’t want to live in such a world. Toll road infrastructure across the country was presumably planned by a frickin’ Capricorn.
Early on, they acquire the skills necessary to defraud the people. For Christmas, their parents give them legal books so they can highlight the exceptions. Because philosophical ideas do not include equations, Capricorns cannot even begin to comprehend them, much less articulate them.
Capricorns have a large collection of Filofaxes and other organizing aids for their unorganized life. They enjoy using their cell phones and being seen doing so. Since Capricorns don’t have any pals to call, these phones aren’t even turned on. In 1989, Capricorns were considered outdated. They continue to think that Trump was an innovator. Capricorns make up the majority of those detained for counterfeiting.
AQUARIUS
The Aquarius is a party animal. Their tagline is “anywhere, anytime.” Undoubtedly, an Aquarius will think of a wake as a nice venue to meet women. The 1960s were the final decade in which it was acceptable for people to be publicly nude, therefore Aquarians often have sentimental memories of that era. Aquarians adore the bare look. Even better would be for them to be nude and crocked. In the previous thirty years, Aquarians have devoured 97.4% of the Night Train.
Nearly all Aquarians will claim to have at least once seen Jerry Garcia’s likeness in their Froot Loops. The cereal Froot Loops is highly Aquarian. The same goes for Rice Krispies, as it will converse amicably with the Aquarian as they are enjoying breakfast. But Count Chocula is off-limits. It is a Scorpio thing.
The only members of the zodiac that can play volleyball with oneself are Aquarians. And they do so rather often. The term “Dude, guy…” is widely used by Aquarians to describe philosophical ideas. Out-of-body experiences happen often to Aquarians. You should give up on the discussion if you are speaking to an Aquarian and they are zoning out. He or she is conversing with the man standing three feet away.
The joy of aquarius is in how they channel others. Additionally, they will run about nude if you order them to. Astronomy appeals to Aquarians since they have traveled to all those locations. Ask an Aquarius if you want to know what the food is like on Saturn. If they work really, really hard, they can also walk on water. Typically, this takes place in the bathtub. Every sin there is on the globe is permissible for Aquarians, and they don’t second-guess it. They irritate everyone else because of this. They have a cosmic right to do this. Rock performers tend to be Aquarians.
PISCES
You hear jokes and laughing everywhere you go. If you were attempting to be hilarious, this would be fantastic.
The concept of sex is completely perplexing to you. If it didn’t occur in “The Velveteen Rabbit,” in your opinion, it doesn’t exist. Piscean ladies dress in long, flowing gowns and adorn themselves with a profusion of strange silver jewelry. when hiking.
Despite claiming to enjoy the stars, Pisceans can only identify the Big Dipper as a constellation. They weep if they are unable to locate it. Although you can recall what you were wearing on March 3, 1981, you cannot recall your own address. You don’t know where you are. Pisceans are frequently observed driving in reverse at 70 mph on expressways.
The two causes of death for Pisceans that are most common are being hit by a truck or falling out of a window. Of course, unless they have a cancer diagnosis. Pisceans might trigger a Leo’s maternal instincts since they are so tense and always in danger. However, don’t be misled; many Pisceans have the potential to kick your ass and the asses of your four imaginary buddies, as well.
Leos often have the most success in the entertainment industry, whilst Pisceans aim to make history by pure chance. They are pleased to inform you that Pisceans include Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein—all of whom were not represented by an agency. They won’t tell you, though, that Ted Kennedy is one of them. According to Pisceans, they seek “honest critique” of their work. When you declare you don’t like it, they then perform hara-kiri on the ground.
Never try to reason with a Pisces; they are either living in Narnia or approximately three feet above the ground. Nonsequiturs, Elizabeth Barrett Browning quotations, and, of course, sobbing are some of their preferred methods of argumentation. Regardless of the language techniques Pisceans employ to explain philosophical ideas, they aren’t sure they understand what they’re talking about.
You grieve over dead animals on the road, but you have no regrets about running over people you disagree with. Cancerians often contradict themselves verbally. Scorpios make one statement and then act in spite of it. Pisceans talk much too much and act as they choose.