It may not always be as simple to realize that you or someone you care about may be engaged in a “gaslight tango.”
Come on, now. Never have I stated that.
“You’re simply being too sensitive,” I said.
Why are you making such a huge deal out of this, I wonder?
The word “gaslighting” is used by psychologists to describe a particular form of manipulation in which the manipulator tries to get the target (or target group) to doubt their own reality, memory, or perceptions.
What Is Gaslighting?
You start to doubt your convictions and understanding of reality when you are gaslighted, which is a sort of emotional abuse.
This kind of deception may gradually erode your confidence and self-worth, leaving you reliant on the individual who is gaslighting you. The gaslighting victim eventually begins to question their mental stability.
Although it frequently happens in dominating friendships or among family members, gaslighting mostly happens in love relationships.
These kinds of emotional abuse are used by toxic people to control others and influence friends, family members, and occasionally even coworkers.
How Gaslighting Works
You can doubt your memory, your senses, and yourself when someone is gaslighting you. You may feel confused and question if there is something wrong with you after speaking with the individual gaslighting you.
You may become confused and start to doubt your judgment and general mental health as a result of gaslighting. Understanding the strategies that a person who is gaslighting someone could employ may be helpful.
1. Lying to You
Gaslighters are compulsive liars who lie on a regular basis. Even when you call them out on it or present evidence of their dishonesty, they will continue to shamelessly lie and refuse to retract or alter their claims. Such statements include: “You’re inventing stuff. That never took place.”
2. Discrediting You
Gaslighters tell others untrue things about you. They could act concerned for you while quietly informing others that you look unstable or insane.
Sadly, this strategy may be very successful, and many people support the abuser or bully without fully understanding the situation.
Additionally, the gaslighter could deceive you and claim that you are thought of in this way by others. These folks might never criticize you, but the gaslighter will do all in their power to make you think that they do.
3. Distracting You
A gaslighter may shift the topic by posing a question rather than replying to your inquiry or calling them out for anything they did or said.
This not only diverts your attention but also makes you wonder why you should pursue the topic further if they don’t feel compelled to answer.
4. Minimizing Your Thoughts and Feelings
By trivializing your feelings, the gaslighter can control you. You’re overreacting, they could say, or they might say, “Why are you so sensitive?”
These all convey that you’re mistaken and downplay how you’re feeling or what you’re thinking.
5. Shifting Blame
Another frequent gaslighting technique is shifting the blame. Every conversation you have is distorted in some way to put the responsibility for whatever happened on you.
Even if you try to talk about how the abuser’s actions make you feel, they might manipulate the conversation such that you come away thinking that you are to blame for their poor conduct.
They contend that if you had acted otherwise, they would not have treated you the way they have.
6. Denying Wrongdoing
Bullies and abusers are infamous for refusing to acknowledge their actions. They act in this manner in order to escape accountability for their terrible decisions.
Gaslighting victims may experience feelings of being ignored, unheard, and unimportance as a result of this denial. Additionally, the victim finds it extremely difficult to recover from the bullying or abuse as a result of this strategy.
7. Using Compassionate Words as Weapons
A gaslighter may occasionally speak kindly and lovingly when confronted or questioned in an effort to diffuse the situation. Perhaps they’ll say something like, “You are aware of my affection for you. I would never intentionally harm you.”
These can be the words you want to hear, but they aren’t sincere, especially if the same actions keep happening. Nevertheless, they could succeed in their only objective of getting you to absolve them just long enough.
8. Rewriting History
A gaslighter could repeatedly recount stories in ways that are favorable to them. For instance, if you subsequently talk about how your spouse slammed you against the wall, they could tell you that you stumbled and they were trying to balance you when you fell against the wall.
You could start to question your recollection of what happened. Your uncertainty or perplexity is precisely what is intended.
Why People Do It
Because being correct enables them to affirm themselves, people frequently practice gaslighting. In order to retain their sense of power and control when they feel threatened, gaslighters depend on you to accept and believe their version of the facts.
A person may engage in gaslighting if they think their story is more accurate than another person’s. Therefore, getting someone else to doubt their own reality may give them a feeling of superiority.
Signs of Gaslighting
Gaslighting may lead to anxiety, sadness, and other mental health issues including addiction and suicidal thoughts.
It’s crucial to know when you’re being gaslighted for this reason. Consider whether any of the following statements apply to you:
- You doubt your feelings and reality: You make an effort to persuade yourself that the treatment you’re getting isn’t all that horrible or that you’re being overly sensitive.
- You question your judgment and perceptions: You’re reluctant to speak up or show your feelings. You’ve discovered that expressing your opinions typically leaves you feeling worse, so you choose to remain silent.
- You feel vulnerable and insecure: You frequently have the feeling of having to “walk on eggshells” around your spouse, friend, or relative. Moreover, you experience anxiety and low self-esteem.
- You feel alone and powerless: You are persuaded that, just like the gaslighter claimed, everyone around you believes you are “weird,” “crazy,” or “unstable.” You feel entrapped and alone as a result of this.
- You wonder if you are what they say you are: The remarks of the gaslighter make you feel as though you are incorrect, stupid, insufficient, or mad. You may even catch yourself saying these things aloud at times.
- You are disappointed in yourself and who you have become: You may feel weak and submissive, for example, whereas you once felt stronger and more forceful.
- You feel confused: You feel perplexed by the gaslighter’s actions, almost as if they are Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
- You worry that you are too sensitive: The person minimizes hurtful behaviors or words by saying “I was just joking” or “you need thicker skin.”
- You have a sense of impending doom: When you are with this individual, you have the impression that something dreadful is about to occur. This could involve feeling alarmed and tense without understanding why.
- You spend a lot of time apologizing: You always feel the need to apologise for your actions or your identity.
- You feel inadequate: That you are never “good enough” is how you feel. Even if others’ needs and expectations are ridiculous, you make an effort to meet them.
- You second-guess yourself: You constantly question your ability to recall specifics of the past. For fear that what you recall is inaccurate, you may have even given up on attempting to express it.
- You assume others are disappointed in you: You constantly apologise for what you do or who you are, presuming that you have disappointed someone or that you have done something wrong.
- You wonder what’s wrong with you: You question whether you are essentially flawed. In other words, you fear that your mental health is compromised.
- You struggle to make decisions because you distrust yourself: You would prefer to delegate decision-making to a friend, family member, or partner instead of doing it yourself.
Why Is It Called Gaslighting?
The phrase “gaslighting” originates from a 1938 play by Patrick Hamilton called “Angel Street” in America, which Alfred Hitchcock subsequently turned into the movie “Gas Light.”
In the thriller movie, a cunning spouse tries to make his wife believe she is going crazy by making little adjustments to her surroundings, such as gradually lowering a gas lamp’s flame.
He isolates her from her family and friends, disrupts her surroundings, and convinces her that she is mad. He also abuses and dominates her.
As a result, the wife continuously questions her thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and recollections. She also experiences neurosis, hypersensitivity, and a sense of being out of control, which is exactly what gaslighting is intended to do: leave the victim feeling disoriented and confused of what is real and what isn’t.
Psychologists and counselors started using the term “gaslighting” to describe this kind of emotionally abusive conduct since this movie accurately depicted the poisonous and dominating behaviors used by manipulative people.
What to Do If Someone Is Gaslighting You
Last but not least, what should you do if you suspect someone is gaslighting you?
1. Identify the problem.
The first step is to identify the issue. Once something has a name, you may start talking about it in detail and explicitly.
2. Take notes.
You can trust the proof you get by recording occurrences as soon as they happen. When your memory is questioned, having notes from a conversation or utilizing a smartphone app to record your case will give you something to refer to.
3. Gain some distance.
It may be beneficial to stand back from the powerful feelings that gaslighting might arouse. However, you may also try employing some relaxation techniques, such deep breathing or grounding exercises. Physically leaving the environment might be helpful.
4. Set boundaries.
Boundaries communicate to others your level of tolerance in a relationship. Make it obvious that you won’t tolerate behavior like trivializing or rejecting what you have to say from the other person.
5. Get a second opinion.
Tell a friend or member of your family what is happening. It might be clearer to see the problem from another person’s point of view.
6. End the relationship.
The most effective strategy to stop the abuse is frequently to leave the relationship with the person who continually gaslights you, even though it might be challenging.
Gaslighting may begin subtly, but this cunning manipulation has the potential to do serious, long-lasting damage.
A therapist can assist you in beginning to recognize gaslighting and provide assistance with successfully addressing its influence without losing yourself in the process.