Because it hurts, people despise making excuses. It hurts because it forces them to confront who they truly are as individuals.
These days, with everyone’s every action made public on the Internet, we all have a lot more to apologize for. However, we haven’t actually become any more upset; all this indicates is that there have been more phony excuses offered. And we’ve begun to create some pretty standard methods for “apologizing” without actually doing so.
It may often be quite difficult to distinguish between an apology that is sincere and one that is not.
How can you tell when someone is not sincere in their apology? We have gathered information in this article that will assist you in this.
NON-APOLOGY APOLOGIES
1. I am sorry if …
This is a sincere apologies. The only thing it suggests is that something could have happened, which falls short of a genuine apology.
Examples: If I did anything wrong or upset you, please accept my sincere apologies.
2. I am sorry that you …
This apology involves passing the responsibility. It is in no way an apology. Instead, it makes you look like the issue.
Examples: I apologize that you were wounded, that you believe I done something wrong, and that you believe I am really horrible.
3. I am sorry but …
Nothing about this blaming apologies helps to mend the scars.
Examples: I apologize, but the majority of people wouldn’t have reacted as excessively as you did; in fact, several people found it amusing.
4. I was just …
This apology provides justification. It attempts to make the case that unpleasant action was acceptable since it was risk-free or justified.
Examples: I was merely joking, trying to be helpful, and attempting to calm you down.
5. I have already …
The implication in this deja-vu apology that there is nothing left to apologize for cheapens all that is said.
Examples: I already said I was sorry, I have apologized for that a million times.
6. I regret …
This avoidance of remorse links regret with making amends. No ownership exists. It doesn’t need you to confess you did anything wrong, which makes it a very helpful weapon in the inventory of the unapologetic person.
Examples: I regret you felt upset, I regret that mistakes were made.
7. I know I …
I’m trying to downplay what occurred without taking responsibility for any negative impact it may have had on you or other people. Although the whitewash appears self-effacing, it does not include an apology on its own.
Examples: I realize now that I should not have done it, that I probably should have gotten your permission beforehand, and that I occasionally act like a bull in a china shop.
8. You know I …
This “nothing to apologize for” apology makes suggestions that you shouldn’t be offended or tries to talk you out of them.
Examples: You know I am sorry, You know I didn’t mean that, You know I would never hurt you.
9. I will apologize if …
This pay-to-play apology is not a genuine, unreserved expression of regret. Instead, you must pay to obtain it.
Examples: I won’t say I’m sorry unless you do; I won’t say I’m sorry unless you promise never to bring it up again; and I won’t say I’m sorry unless you simply stop bringing it up.
10. I guess I …
This apology is fictitious. Although it implies that an apology is necessary, it never offers one.
Examples: I guess I owe you an apology, I guess I should say I am sorry.
11. X told me to apologize …
This is not my fault, I apologize. The offender claims that the only reason they are apologizing is at someone else’s request. It is implied that it would not have occurred in any other circumstance.
Examples: Your mother urged me to come make amends, and a friend advised me to do so.
12. Fine! Im sorry, okay!
This apology is bullying. Whether in tone or in words, you receive a grudging It doesn’t feel like an apology, yet I’m sorry. It could even seem dangerous.
Examples: Okay, enough already, I am sorry for chrissakes, Give me a break, I am sorry, alright?
TYPES OF FAKE APOLOGIES NARCISSISTS OFTEN USE
Some people, often narcissists and gaslighters, simply apologize in order to get access to your forgiveness for their own gain. To give you the impression that they are really remorseful for their crimes, they would go above and above. They would be confusing your thoughts while placing the responsibility on you, causing you to easily become forgiving.
1. Apology in the form of a present
You name it: flowers, candies, pricey apparel, a vacation to Milan. Everything they do is to soothe your heart and trick you into forgetting the harm they’ve caused. It’s possible that they are surreptitiously gaslighting you or love-bombing you as they show you their affection and attention.
2. Defensive apology
I’m sorry for what I did, but if you hadn’t put pressure on me in that way, I wouldn’t have done it.
A defensive apology typically sounds like that. Additionally, there is a lot of passing the buck. It always begins with “I’m sorry,” to give the speaker of those words the appearance of sincerity. The conversation then develops into a lengthy discourse about how your behaviors caused them to treat you badly.
Doesn’t this make no sense at all? However, narcissists have ways of deceiving others around them and convincing them to believe everything they say. As a result, after hearing what they have to say, you would believe that you, not they, were at fault.
3. Apology as a dramatic scene
The drama casts a shadow on narcissists and gaslighters. The first thing they do when they feel trapped and have no other ideas about how to get out of a situation is create a full-blown theatrical spectacle. They begin to sob, flinging themselves at your feet while lamenting their misery and brokenness. And all of this is done only to increase your compassion and empathy.
By doing this, they manipulate your emotions so that you feel sorry for them rather than furious or annoyed. Usually, the result is the same: you quickly pardon them because you don’t want them to truly feel the way they claim to. Regardless of whether they truly apologize.
4. Blame-shifting
Similar to the defensive apologies, the person in this instance is only blaming you for the harm they caused. You might believe it’s easy to tell when someone is blaming you in most cases, but narcissists really manipulate your emotions in exactly that way.
When they are assured that you absolutely believe them and wouldn’t doubt their honesty, they employ this strategy. They start to build a pattern once they are certain that shifting the blame would change your perspective and soften your heart. And every time they act disrespectfully or rudely, they got away with it, giving the impression that you were the one forcing them to do it.
HOW TO MAKE YOUR APOLOGY REAL
We don’t just make up excuses because we always believe we are right. We also use them because no one has ever forced us to practice genuine apology or served as a role model for it. Therefore, even when we are aware of our mistakes, we occasionally struggle to express ourselves.
The following six steps can help you sound and seem more “real”:
- “I’m sorry that I _,” say you. Then you start discussing something that unquestionably happened and for which you are accountable.
- Describe the justifications you used to justify your inappropriate actions at the time. Typically, we stop here in an effort to defend ourselves.
- Describe why you now believe your former reasoning was flawed. You do this to let them know that you have changed your mind and realize your mistake.
- Bookend the apology with another statement that, “I’m sorry that I hurt you.”
- Ask, “Will you forgive me?”
- Be quiet and wait to see what they say.
This is a risky situation in and of itself since the other person may decide to purposefully withhold their forgiveness. If they’re being sincere, their refusal to forgive you might be just as damaging as their fabrication of an apology. However, the forgiveness cycle is completed if you sincerely apologize and they sincerely accept it. And that’s the only way a relationship has to endure our actions.