An uncontrollable condition of intense obsession and infatuation with another person is known as limerence.
Lovesick. Longing. Limerent. The word “limerence” was originally used in 1979 by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love to describe an uncontrollable state of intense fixation and love with another person. She spoke with 500 people who were experiencing intense, often unhealthy, love-related obsession.
Limerence comprises having vivid and detailed dreams about the person you are infatuated with, feeling emotionally dependant on them, and being devastated if they don’t return your feelings.
The Symptoms of Limerence: An Overview
There are similarities between the experiences of love and limerence, however limerence differs in that a person experiencing limerence is more focused on gaining the other person’s attention than on caring for them.
Limerence is more about fixation than it is about closeness and commitment. Limerence is a mental condition when a person emphasizes the good qualities of the object of their passion and minimizes the bad.
A person with limerence may become so hyperfocused on the other person that they start to lose track of their own lives and base their whole day on their interactions with that other. It reminds me of the words to Jennifer Paige’s controversial song, “Crush.” Just a small crush, I guess. Not that I pass out whenever we contact. Not that you’re the only factor in all I do.
A limerent person’s “crush” usually gives them a thrill and a great sensation of pleasure even from the smallest encounters. This is a result of love’s biological makeup, which is extremely similar to a drug addiction.
Love wakes up the reward centers of the brain, producing a euphoric dopamine high that is very difficult to detox from and reduces one’s serotonin levels to a level similar to those of people with OCD. According to Dr. Helen Fisher, those who are in love have brains that are similar to cocaine addicts’. This is why you could feel a strong withdrawal effect when the person you’re infatuated with is absent or has distanced themselves from you.
It’s important to note that in limerence, the addiction to this other person is often heightened by the fantasy, not the reality, of who they are and the nature of the relationship.
A person in a limerence has a tendency to search for “clues” that the other person feels the same way about them. He or she interprets the other person’s behavior and words, which may even hint at or suggest any form of flirting or affection, as having hidden meaning (even if there is none).
11 Signs of Limerence
If you engage in any of the following actions, you may be experiencing limerence:
- Despite the fact that your relationship is nonexistent, frail, or just beginning, you frequently daydream about what it may be like in the future.
- You become engrossed in intricate imaginations about his person, ranging from the conventional to the peculiar. Your dreams frequently have a “heroic” element in which you even see rescuing your sweetheart from perilous circumstances.
- Whenever you are around them or come into contact with them in any manner, you have bodily discomfort. When you’re waiting for their call, text, or are almost ready to meet with them, you get very apprehensive. When you’re ready to call them, you can experience severe heart palpitations, and you might stutter when you’re in their company. When you’re near them, you could have intense episodes of dizziness or the feeling of about to pass out.
- You create or anticipate circumstances that will allow you to “accidentally” run into or speak with this individual. You organize your day so that you can spend time with them, whether it is hanging out in their general area or at their preferred coffee shop. You should exercise extreme caution if you are having this experience because it can range from charming to frightening and stalker-like.
- You elevate them to a pedestal and idealize them. Every action they take, from the embarrassing to the endearing, is noted in your memory as proof that they are a perfect, lovable person. You would excuse their terrible conduct and unpleasant traits even if they were the worst person ever.
- You pay too much attention to everything they do, including who they are talking to, how their day is going, what they need, and how they react to you (or lack thereof). They often dominate your day and your relationships with them.
- You have a strong and unique bond with them, almost like a magnetic pull. Despite the fact that you hardly know one other, you think they are your soulmate.
- Even in the absence of a relationship, jealousy might still persist. Even if the rivalry is hypothetical, you experience irrational jealousy of possible love suitors or rivals for your ideal partner. Additionally, even if there is no real, concrete commitment, you are unable to dream about or date anybody else because you feel “tied” to them.
- You fall into a profound despair and come to feel hopeless when the individual distances themselves from you. When you’re around this individual, you go through mood swings that range from ecstatic highs to intolerable lows when you feel rejected or neglected. It’s almost like you’re going through a drug detox.
- You examine their words and deeds extremely closely, reliving every instance to search for signs that they feel the same way about you.
- You believe that you cannot survive without them. You feel an enormous and intolerable need for their love, adoration, and acceptance.
How Long Does Limerence Last?
Depending on whether or not sentiments are shared, Tennov predicted that limerence might persist anywhere from a few weeks to a few years. Limerence, in contrast to love in a long-term relationship, can be transient, one-sided, and short-lived.
It may be based on a small number of contacts or develop from a connection. It can take place in the early stages of a new relationship, following a breakup, or before committing. The retreat of the object of their affections may actually empower those who are experiencing it rather than lessen it.
Limerence: An Example
Graham and Lauren connected at a friend’s dinner party. As soon as she entered the room, their eyes met. Graham, the enduring con artist, moved across the room to offer her one of his standard icebreakers. Before long, they were talking and laughing for hours.
Lauren wasn’t planning to remain for as long, despite the fact that she was enjoying herself with Graham. She extended her hand to Graham to say goodbye after informing him that she would need to wake up early the next morning. But just as she turned to go, Graham drew up, kissed her on the cheek, and demanded her phone number.
Lauren hesitated before deciding to take a gamble and reveal her phone number. Although she had recently broken up and wasn’t searching for a new relationship, she reasoned that their talk was sufficient to merit a call or a coffee date.
Although she didn’t know Graham all that well, she had faith that Mary, a friend of theirs, wouldn’t be friends with a psychopath. Aside from the fact that she had a pleasant talk with a lovely man, she didn’t think much of the party as she departed.
Graham, on the other hand, saw the same situation totally differently. Lauren had made a big effect on him. She was everything he had ever looked for in a woman: stunningly attractive, perceptive, and humorous. Lauren was unlike any other woman he had dated; normally, he could captivate women very effortlessly.
She appeared to be a little more restrained, but she was still honest and genuine. She forced him to give up the “charming” act, and he realized that with her, more than with anybody else, he was being himself. He had cherished every moment they shared, thinking back on every phrase he had spoken, every time he had made her laugh, and the way her adorable smile made her nose wrinkle. He made up his mind to contact her right away and invite her out to supper.
He was disappointed when his initial call to her went straight to voicemail. After many failed attempts, he texted her to see if she was free to visit his favorite eatery this week. He was impatiently awaiting her reaction. Finally, Lauren told him that she could see him the next day somewhere around midnight.
They enjoyed a passionate kiss under the full moon after a romantic meal by candlelight and another engrossing talk. Graham didn’t mind that Lauren occasionally came out as distant or even standoffish since he liked how mysterious she was. He had finally found the woman of his dreams, and Graham couldn’t believe his good fortune.
The only issue was that the woman of his dreams didn’t reply to his texts as regularly as he would have wanted. In addition to sharing images from his day and asking how she was doing, Graham also enjoyed the same clever banter that had initially captured his attention. Although they enjoyed a handful of more romantic outings, Lauren seemed to become more and more distant as time went on.
She eventually stopped responding to all of his texts. Graham had a severe depression and continued daydreaming about each occasion they had shared. He repeatedly read her texts with a nervous sense of devotion while fantasizing about every kiss they shared.
He spent the following several days picturing situations where he would run across Lauren despite the fact that they had very nothing in common. He simply felt she was his soulmate. He may ‘accidentally’ cross paths with her at the gym where she attended yoga sessions. He might be able to protect her from a scary guy at the pub close to her home. He even started dreaming of saving her from peril and getting her to declare her enduring love for him.
Limerence Is About Fantasy, Not Reality
Graham’s tale illustrates an addiction that is more akin to lust than love. In addition to seeing Lauren as his ideal lady, he also makes up stories in which he saves or plays the part of the hero in Lauren’s life. This is more than simply a physical desire; it’s a sign of a strong emotional yearning to be accepted by Lauren and to have that acceptance translate into a long-term place in her life.
Even more, his rich fantasy world surrounding Lauren tempts him to act pathologically and stalk Lauren. Observe that despite just having gone on a few dates together, Graham is already upset as a result of Lauren’s breakup. Even though he only has a superficial understanding of her, he has still developed an impression of who she is based on what he does know.
Graham has inflated Lauren’s favorable aspects (her wit and excellent beauty) while underplaying her bad characteristics in this obsessive attachment (her standoffish disinterest). The ultimate fantasy relationship that Graham has made permits him to be emotionally unavailable while yet enjoying some of what he perceives to be love. Graham has established a full-fledged commitment to a lady he barely knows.
Is There a Cure for Limerence?
Limerence can ultimately diminish if the object of one’s affection does not reciprocate it or moves on to another relationship, but there is no guarantee that it won’t sometimes be increased by the other person’s lack of interest. Love and limerence intersect in that the more ‘difficult’ the possible partner looks to attain, the more appealing that person may inevitably become to you.
Keep your fantasies in check since the condition of limerence might result in some really scary conduct. Even accepting that this is an obsession rather than a natural partnership will help you re-establish your connection to reality.
In the era of social media, it’s simpler than ever to conjure up a detailed vision of the characteristics of a potential partner and how they would meet your desires. We have a propensity to glance at someone’s web presence and learn everything there is to know about them. By learning what we would typically learn through time and naturally, we accelerate intimacy.
If you believe you have an obsession or limerence, consider why you are pulled to this person and what they stand for. Frequently, rather than being fixated on this person, we are fixated on what they signify to us. They could signify a fresh start following a breakup or the satisfaction of important childhood desires.
They could be a simpler way to deal with our emotional unavailability than, perhaps, genuinely addressing the cause of it. After all, having a dream relationship is sometimes a far more attractive idea than having to manage the actual challenges of preserving a true connection.
It’s critical to remember that levels of limerence can range from moderate to severe. You must determine whether this is merely a crush or whether it has developed into a serious issue that needs expert help. If so, consulting a therapist may be beneficial.
You must examine your inner self in order to find any scars, fears, weaknesses, or traumas that may have caused you to feel “tethered” to a love that may not be mutual or even poisonous.