Although I hear it often in my job as a relationship counselor and writer, it still surprises me on some level: “Why do so many highly brilliant, successful, and gorgeous women choose for ‘bad boys’ or alpha males?” In other words, why does someone who may be such a great catch undermine themselves by making such bad decisions?
A guy who owns himself is a “alpha male”. He has a strong sense of self and knows exactly who he is and what he wants. It seems sense that feminine energy would find it so alluring as it is the absolute definition of male energy.
The disadvantage of the alpha is that he sometimes exhibits traits like self-obsession, insensitivity, jealousy, control, and, un extreme circumstances, may even be aggressive or degrading. The drawback for people in relationships with that kind of guy is that he often cheats since so many women are drawn to his more primal, male energy, giving him more options. The actress Sandra Bullock and her ex-husband, motorcycle bad boy Jesse James, who officially divorced after his repeated adultery was made public in 2010, are perhaps the finest illustration of this situation in real life.
The question that inspired me to write this post was recently posed by a lady. “A very type A girl,” was how she defined herself. I always imagined I’d need an alpha man in my life, she said, “to bring out more of my feminine side.” She went on to claim that while she and alpha males “understand” each other because they are powerful enough to “take” her, these guys are also cheats, verbal/emotional abusers, or worse.
Because the issue affects so many intelligent, successful women, and because I can explain this phenomena, I was quite grateful that she posed her inquiry.
To begin with, this brilliant lady and others like her are functioning under a massive, incorrect assumption that ruins their chances of finding love. Additionally, unless they modify it, it will keep sabotaging them again.
Put an end to the “type A.”
Because the drive to maintain consistency with who we feel we are is the primary factor in human psychology, identifying as a “very type A girl” is a warped image of oneself.
In actuality, these ladies evolved an adaptive strategy because they were repeatedly rewarded for it, and as a result, have come to identify with it. There are moments when they are completely free, flowing, and feminine, but if they were being really honest, they’d have to say that those are the qualities that women like this dread the most. So, even while I’m sure that being a “very type A girl” has repeatedly benefited them in some respects, it has also caused issues for them in their interactions with men.
Let’s go back to the lady who asked the opening question. Even while I don’t support the actions of the guys she’s dated, both are expected outcomes of the persona she’s adopted. Men who find their (sometimes insatiable) desire for feminine radiance unmet in a relationship are forced to search outside of it; they may choose to cheat, vanish, or just end the relationship.
In order to shift the power dynamic back in their favor, men who feel like they are in a perpetual power battle with “type A females” may seek to bring their partners down a few pegs. They may even be better at it since they don’t use emotion to guide them through the world and see aggression as only a means to a goal.
Again, I’m not condoning such activities, but I think you’ll agree that when you step back and consider it from this angle, it becomes reasonable and, more importantly, foreseeable.
Results don’t lie, and your beliefs, routines, and actions have a significant impact on the reaction you’re receiving in your relationships. One of the worst decisions ever made by so many very “otherwise” educated and highly appealing women may be the notion that a woman needs a “alpha male” to bring her back into the feminine.
What makes it such a horrible idea? Because it assumes you need someone else to reintroduce you to your femininity, whereas in reality, reconnecting with your femininity is as simple as “going home” after you address those outmoded assumptions that aren’t functioning. Additionally, if you believe that you can miraculously transform an alpha when he has been praised for his conduct everywhere else, you may want to reflect on your delusional thinking.